I now have 2 big chemo's under my belt with 4 more to go. Now that I'm in the middle of my treatment and losing my hair, I'm forced to deal with the emotions that come with cancer. Yes, I went through the normal 5 stages of grief when I was first diagnosed, but this is different. This is the day in and day out of fighting. Life of course has gone on. I still have dirty diapers to change and Christmas presents to buy. In no way have I tried to suppress how I feel, but it is just not something I would talk about. Because most of you know me well and are going through this fight with me, I thought you should know where my thoughts are.
First, I will say that other then right after my diagnosis I have not had one feeling of sadness. I haven't struggled with depression partly because Joel will not let me and partly because anytime I even think about getting sad I just look at Ella. She has no idea what's going on. She doesn't even care that Mom and Dad now have the same haircut. She looks into my eyes and smiles. Who could get sad with that?
I will say that the one emotion I feel time and time again is anger. Let me follow that by saying not once have I been angry at God. God has been my protector, my healer, my peace. I'm angry at the circumstances. At 29 I should be thinking about my family, my job, and my friends. Instead, I'm going to chemo. I was talking with Grandpa Herb yesterday and he asked if I ever got sad. When I told him, "No, just angry." He said "Well, that's because you're a fighter." And you know, I am! I'm not going to let some stupid tumor get the best of me. Yes, cancer stinks and there could be so much to complain about. (That's why I sit in the corner at chemo. I don't want to hear it). What good would it do to complain? Not only would I be miserable but everyone around me would be too.
I will be honest and say that I do struggle with worry. It's the most prevalent when I feel really bad. I worry about how I'm going to take care of Ella or if I'm going to throw up all night. If I allow my mind to get the best of me I worry that we will never be able to have more children or that the cancer will come back. After this last chemo treatment the worry got the best of me. As I took a walk to get some fresh air and pray. As I was walking I noticed the sparrows flying around a bird feeder. God reminded me of the verse from Luke 12:6-8 that says, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." If God cares so much about these little birds, how much more does He care for me! God will take what was meant for bad and turn it into good. I don't have to worry about anything now or in the future. God's got it covered. (God doesn't have to worry about counting the hairs on my head for a while so, He'll have time to take care of all the other stuff.)
I use this blog mostly for updates but I want you to know the other stuff also. Joel and I believe that pray works. We've seen firsthand how powerful prayer is. I know I've said it before but I could not do this without the love and support from all of you.
Now for the updates (HaHaHa)......
Joel's job is going great. There is a lot of work to be done but he can handle it. Ella has started pulling up. I've asked her to wait until February 27th (my last big chemo) to walk but I don't think it will happen. She's added some new words to her vocabulary like "apple," "all done," and the best is "uh-oh." She thinks it's fun to say it before she drops something. We went to the Christmas lights at Riverbanks Zoo last weekend with my parents. Ella sat in Santa's lap without any tears. It was so fun! Joel and I were able to go to my work holiday party after the zoo. We couldn't stay long but it was so wonderful to see all the girls from work. I miss you guys SO MUCH!!
Ella and I are headed to Augusta Friday for the holidays. Joel will be joining us on Sunday and we will celebrate Christmas. Then, on my 30th birthday (Dec 26th) I get big chemo #3. That will be the halfway mark! Whoo Whoo!! Oh and I almost forgot.... Joel gave me a great haircut on Monday! I love it!!
In case I don't get a chance to blog before the holidays I hope you all have a blessed Christmas! We love you!!!