Emotions

I now have 2 big chemo's under my belt with 4 more to go. Now that I'm in the middle of my treatment and losing my hair, I'm forced to deal with the emotions that come with cancer. Yes, I went through the normal 5 stages of grief when I was first diagnosed, but this is different. This is the day in and day out of fighting. Life of course has gone on. I still have dirty diapers to change and Christmas presents to buy. In no way have I tried to suppress how I feel, but it is just not something I would talk about. Because most of you know me well and are going through this fight with me, I thought you should know where my thoughts are.

First, I will say that other then right after my diagnosis I have not had one feeling of sadness. I haven't struggled with depression partly because Joel will not let me and partly because anytime I even think about getting sad I just look at Ella. She has no idea what's going on. She doesn't even care that Mom and Dad now have the same haircut. She looks into my eyes and smiles. Who could get sad with that?

I will say that the one emotion I feel time and time again is anger. Let me follow that by saying not once have I been angry at God. God has been my protector, my healer, my peace. I'm angry at the circumstances. At 29 I should be thinking about my family, my job, and my friends. Instead, I'm going to chemo. I was talking with Grandpa Herb yesterday and he asked if I ever got sad. When I told him, "No, just angry." He said "Well, that's because you're a fighter." And you know, I am! I'm not going to let some stupid tumor get the best of me. Yes, cancer stinks and there could be so much to complain about. (That's why I sit in the corner at chemo. I don't want to hear it). What good would it do to complain? Not only would I be miserable but everyone around me would be too.

I will be honest and say that I do struggle with worry. It's the most prevalent when I feel really bad. I worry about how I'm going to take care of Ella or if I'm going to throw up all night. If I allow my mind to get the best of me I worry that we will never be able to have more children or that the cancer will come back. After this last chemo treatment the worry got the best of me. As I took a walk to get some fresh air and pray. As I was walking I noticed the sparrows flying around a bird feeder. God reminded me of the verse from Luke 12:6-8 that says, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." If God cares so much about these little birds, how much more does He care for me! God will take what was meant for bad and turn it into good. I don't have to worry about anything now or in the future. God's got it covered. (God doesn't have to worry about counting the hairs on my head for a while so, He'll have time to take care of all the other stuff.)

I use this blog mostly for updates but I want you to know the other stuff also. Joel and I believe that pray works. We've seen firsthand how powerful prayer is. I know I've said it before but I could not do this without the love and support from all of you.

Now for the updates (HaHaHa)......

Joel's job is going great. There is a lot of work to be done but he can handle it. Ella has started pulling up. I've asked her to wait until February 27th (my last big chemo) to walk but I don't think it will happen. She's added some new words to her vocabulary like "apple," "all done," and the best is "uh-oh." She thinks it's fun to say it before she drops something. We went to the Christmas lights at Riverbanks Zoo last weekend with my parents. Ella sat in Santa's lap without any tears. It was so fun! Joel and I were able to go to my work holiday party after the zoo. We couldn't stay long but it was so wonderful to see all the girls from work. I miss you guys SO MUCH!!

Ella and I are headed to Augusta Friday for the holidays. Joel will be joining us on Sunday and we will celebrate Christmas. Then, on my 30th birthday (Dec 26th) I get big chemo #3. That will be the halfway mark! Whoo Whoo!! Oh and I almost forgot.... Joel gave me a great haircut on Monday! I love it!!

In case I don't get a chance to blog before the holidays I hope you all have a blessed Christmas! We love you!!!

SURPRISE!!!

So last night Joel, Ella and I headed to what I thought was our annual Christmas party with friends from church. Turns out, it was a surprise 30th birthday party for me. (I know, I don't look a day over 20). I was definitely surprised! Joel, with the help of my friends Sara and Rebekah pulled it off without a hitch. There were so many of our wonderful friends there including my parents, my little brother, my adopted mom Brenda, and our great friend Denny. I had a blast at the party. The food was awesome and the gifts were perfect. I received gift cards, books, warm hand-made slippers, and even a bag of presents compiled by my friends to take to chemo. There is one present for each big chemo day I have left. Thank you everyone who attended and to those who wanted to be there but were under the weather. I feel honored to have such amazing friends and family.

In other news...I did well with my chemo on Wednesday. Adjusting the dose of my medicine seemed to help a great deal with the stomach problems. I also went in on Friday for some IV fluids to "tank me up" for the weekend. I think the worst part about the "after chemo" is the joint pain. I feel like a 95 year old woman. It only lasted a few days last time so hopefully by Monday I'll be feeling better. I'll be in Augusta for the weekend with my parents and will return to Columbia on Tuesday.

I also wanted to share with you all how good God is. This week we received an unexpected bill for our neighborhood association. Because I'm still on disability from work, we have just enough for monthly bills, groceries and gas. We didn't want to have to dip into savings because that money is for the medical bills starting to roll in. Joel asked God to show us the best way to handle this on Tuesday night. On Wednesday morning when my Dad arrived to take me to chemo, he had a huge poster in his hands. The poster was from the faculty at the school where he is principal. The poster was covered with gift cards for groceries, gas, restaurants and even cash. We could not believe the generosity. Once again God has provided. Thank you Lewiston Elementary staff!!!!!

I'll end this post thanking all of you who are supporting our family through this time. Going through the battle with cancer could be unbearable, but we find so much strength in your love and support. We must give all the glory to God for all that He is doing through this and for the ways He has provided. We pray our lives will be a testimony of the faithfulness and goodness of the God we serve.

The Great Hair Exodus

So....the Van Hamme's didn't fall off the face of the earth. Things have been so busy. We said goodbye to Grandpa Wayne last Tuesday (we miss you...especially Ella)! We had a few days to prepare for a visit from my wonderful friend Alyssa and her youngest daughter, Abigail. Alyssa was my roommate in college, and her and her husband Cameron are some of our best friends. We were so excited to have them come, although Cameron, Gracie and Olivia couldn't join them.

The girls played so well together and as always I just love having Alyssa around. It was perfect timing for her to come this past weekend. Last Friday was the day that will be remembered as the "Great Hair Exodus." My hair just said, "We've had enough...I'm out." And believe me out it has come! I was giving my head a little scratch on Friday and when I brought my hand back down I had a small handful of hair. We had decided when I knew for sure it was going I would get a shorter haircut. Joel and Ella went with me for moral support. Here is the after picture:

I have to say I'm not a big fan of the haircut, but it's just all part of the adventure. I've learned quickly (thanks to Joel) that the easiest way to handle some of the tough stuff is to laugh about it. And believe me we've all had some good laughs this weekend. I think we've decided I either look like my younger brother Brice with earrings or an elf. The elf look is perfect for the holidays anyway and I guarantee the Santa hat will be worn proudly. I do also understand that the shorter my hair gets the bigger my earrings need to get.

All joking aside, I really am doing okay with it. It was a little bit hard at first to see the hair falling out. I guess I was a little more emotionally attached to my hair then I thought. It will grow back though and at least I'll know how to fix it when it starts to come back in. I am going to start wearing my hats too.

I had my last tissue expansion today. Whoo Whoo!! The process has gone flawlessly and my final reconstruction surgery will be scheduled as soon as I finish my big chemo. Wednesday is my big chemo day. Dr Butler is going to adjust my medicine some because I've had some random days where I can't stop throwing up. It's lovely. He may even have me come back on Thursday to get some extra IV fluids to "load me up" in case that happens again. I'm thankful now I know what to expect with the big chemo days. My dad will be accompanying me on Wednesday and then I'll be heading to Augusta this weekend. We are so excited that Joel will be starting his new position on Saturday. Please say a little prayer for him. He will have to work a late night on Saturday so that's why I'm heading to Augusta. my parents will be helping us this weekend because my tough days are Friday and Saturday. Plus, they'll get a little Ella time which will be so fun.

The other exciting happenings are that Ella is crawling all over the place. She of course loves to crawl to the dog bowls and we've caught just before her first sample of dog food several times. She's got her first top tooth. She is saying tons of words like hi, mama, dada, Ab (for Abby) and Bo. We've been working on "HO HO HO Merry Christmas" but so far we've gotten just "HO." As always, Ella is so much fun and I just love every second being a mom.